STEVE JOBS CAVES!!!!!!!!!!!

A Steve Jobs Composition:

"Oh no, I see,
A radio tuner is tangled up with me,
And its on my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd say.

Oh no, what's this?
A radio tuner, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The sweatshop-grade Nike pedometer turns on,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

Oh no, I see,
A radio tuner and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little sound bubble,

Singing I, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I, I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a click wheel for me,
They spun a click wheel for me,
They spun a click wheel for me.

what if I got it wrong"

Next week: Zune HD hits stores - mass underground indie-arty-poseur-hipster conversion. Scientology 2.0, or a music player that actually works?


x0x0,
GG

Gossip Girl presents: Anna Wintour

Insert caption here: The real Anna Wintour, as you've never seen her before, holding a coffee. Did she drink it? you'll never know

You may remember that a couple of a days I accidentally (come on, get real, I make no accidents) let slip the fact that I was meeting the fabulously plain Anna Wintour at Starbucks. Well, this just in: she's signed on to do an independent documentary with me. I only threw up the idea as a joke during the conversation, and she laughed her typical over-the-top laugh that she laughes. anyways, for what was meant as an icebreaker, she kept prodding at it throughout the course of the conversation, trying desperately to steer us back - from my input of freedom in cuba and the importance of public morality - to the film idea. her pathetic attempts at subtlety were so awkwardly awful, i had to put her ugly little chihuahua (which i found out later, was her son - must run in the family) out of the misery that was her unshuttable trap. so I reluctantly agreed, after downing my very long black til I couldn't think straight. though i warned her: "Anna, IMHO, you're fugly. your face can't even pass off as...art." i thought i saw that once-tough, but now wrinkly and saggy, shell of hers crack open and let out a tear. but then again, i remembered that once you're a senior cit you tend to forget how to control your bladder, so meh.
anyways, i analyzed my options afterwards and decided that the only way that i could make such a tragedy, was turn it into a comedy, a mockumentary, and also work under a cleverly disguised pseudonym. so the premise of the film is just her life, pretty much. i'll be (actually, i won't be, i'll just do some post-production voiceover recording), but i'll send my crew, my posse, my entourage, off to Anna and get them to follow her around 24/7, cause i'm sure sick of the damn attention i get from them. and then i'll get dickens or rouse to edit up some shit that the critics will snort up like coke, cause they're pretentious like that, and i'll send it to sundance - regular post, cause they aren't worth any real effort.
so, watch out for a groundbreaking documentary about Anna Wintour. i think it's rather confronting - ok, it's only the one toilet scene that's only slightly confronting - and i don't think anyone's ever attempted to do a doco on such a non-controversial subject. no one dares to touch her. omg, i'm so ashamed to be attached to such a fail of a film. never dealing with anna again. boycotted. for good.

x0x0,
GG

Disclaimer: The author wishes to stress that this is a fictitious account. Any relations to real people are purely coincidental.

iphone: the new mace

this just in: iphone saved my life. well, actually, it deleted another.
so I was walking through the Upper East Side when this suit came up to me and brought out this gun (later revealed to be a fake, but I didn't want to take any chances at the time). and was all like: "Yo bitch! i am not in a good mood. my porsche was repossessed so hand over your handbag...bitch" (exact words). I was not happy, cause this hold up would make Anna Wintour - who was waiting for me at Starbucks (where the paparazzi least suspects) and clearly did not know anything about being fashionably late, or just plain fashionable for that matter - a very unhappy woman. and that's when i remembered the exploding iphone story that was in the paper. So I pretended to give him my handbag and then I 'accidentally' dropped the whole thing and everything spewed out of it, onto the street. and there it was, the iphone that i had been planning to get rid of. I quickly grabbed it and smashed it into his head and he fainted. just to make sure he was really down, i quickly attempted unlocking it, and sure enough, it was heating up, and then it blew up. in his pants. and just to make sure he was dead, i grabbed his gun and tried to pull the trigger, but unfortunately it was a fake gun, so I just picked up my stuff and put everything back into my handbag, which i then threw into his pants, which were on fire, cause I couldn't bear to use anything that had touched the dirty ground of nyc. and it burnt and all these hobos gathered around the fire, cause they were cold. I'm kind of like a hero now.
So yeah, i survived a mugging today. and I got rid of a crappy excuse of a cell. killed two birds with one iphone, eh?

x0x0,
GG

Disclaimer: The author wishes to stress that this is a fictitious account. Any relations to real people are purely coincidental.

dickens

I have so much Dickens I'm so smart. Seriously, my friends all call me a nerd hag because of all the Dickens I have. My room is filled with his books i can't even move from one side to the other without knocking over ten piles of his books. and what's more, i live in a freaking mansion with massively high ceilings - they're all the rage - and book ladders - yep, i'm rich and i'll flaunt it. Most of them are old, like, first editions with a whole bunch of spelling errors and there's one really old and slowly deteriorating original manuscript, but he died before finishing it, so i don't know if its worth anything. anyways, you could call me the biggest dickens fan. Except I don't know why I have so much dickens. I only like great expectations, anyway, and plus, i only half like that. seriously, all the others are so lame. I guess i just like outbidding people on ebay, is all. that's where I got most of these, brill site if you haven't heard of it yet. gosh, these books take up so much space i think i'll burn them.

Insert caption here: i requested for my interior decorator to do a whole black and white theme throughout the home, but that was like, a week ago, so its well overdue for a redo

x0x0,
GG

DOS ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!

Insert captcha here: hundreds of readers emailed screenshots like this one, to me during the downtime. Why?...I don't know...

this just in: someone hates me. I'd just like to apologise to all of you for yesterday's incident, where my site went down. Thousands of you sent me emails, asking what happened to the site and wishing me well - you guys really got me through it, but whatever, it was only down for like, five mins or whatevs. Anyway, I can finally post you all the deets, now that my site is up again.
Ok, so here's the story:
Google called me personally yesterday to apologise about this whole fiasco, and they said that there was a Denial-Of-Service attack on my blog. They said my blog was targetted because of the sheer amount of traffic it was receiving - it's the number 1 page, in terms of links coming from Yahoo! Answers. Go figure. So these hacker dudes, like, totally got all these robot thingymajigs and like, overloaded my site. And they also did it to Twitter and Facebook - you may have heard about that - for good measure. So yeah - popularity can be a bitch. But you know, you gotta push through and all, kant let it get to you. NEwayz the important thing is that the site's back up, thank G.
So yeah, that's why you couldn't get on here. so, sorry to all my fans - especially those who like, attempted suicide and shit. better luck next time.

x0x0,
GG

P.s. I got an IOU from google for a private server, so it won't happen again.

P.p.s. To all those haters out there: you can't stop the gossip. you can take down my site, but you can't take me down. yeah, jobs, i know its you
Insert caption here: Fan or fiend? Jobs caught RED HANDED!!! and...OMG! Is that Vista...in bootcamp?!!?!?!?

x0x0

Disclaimer: The author wishes to stress that this is a fictitious account. Any relations to real people are purely coincidental.

GGFF: Windows OSes

5. 95 - You introduced me to Freecell. Thank you.
4. 98 - Freecel improved. Thank you.
3. XP - what can I say? After all these years, people are still choosing to use you in bootcamp. must say a heck of a lot about Mac's OS X.
2. Vista - ok, so we hated you at first, but as your life progressed (which, was an awfully short one), we grew to love you and your integrated search bar and widget sidebar.
1. 7 - get ready for the best OS ever. This thing craps on Apple's OS X's facehole. More stable, more media-oriented, more beautiful, more multi-touch - there is no more reason to get a Mac.

xoxo,
GG

Best Selling Phone of 2009!!! Yours For less than $40????

Not the overrated, overhyped, lackluster iPhone.

Not the overrated, overhyped, lackluster Palm Pre.

Not the overrated, overhyped, lackluster G1.

Not the overrated, overhyped, lackluster Sidekick 2009.

So what phone outsold all of these? What phone is the iPhone killer? The be-all-end-all to the industry?

It's the Nokia 1208, of course.

Get it today! I gotz mine.

x0x0,

GG

Gossip Girl's Fave Five for this week: Apple products (current line)

So, this is the first in a new weekly (if I can find time each week to fit this into my about-to-burst electronic organizer) series of my favourite five things in a given category. So this week's theme is Apple Products:

1. Boot Camp - When I'm sick of OS X (which is all the time - it's so pretentious and pointless and dumbed down) on my Apple Macbook, which I bought whilst on a drunk shopping spree (and which no one else will buy from me - yep, people avoid them like the plague), I use Boot Camp to run Vista, which allows me to run a heap of programs that I wouldn't be able to run natively through OS X.
2. Apple Xserve - Server - their only good computer system thingy.

3. AppleCare - This is a must for all Apple users. Seriously, I've used this so many times since I bought my Macbook (it breaks down heaps). I mean, yes Apples aren't great products, but at least their warranty services are alright. Try to extend your plan as long as possible, cause you'll never know...actually, you know you'll need it.

4. Apple Shuffle - Touchscreens are so last season. Small is best, especially to the point where it's non-existent, so you can almost frget the Apple experience.

5. Apple Keyboard - everyone loves those chiclet keys. I'm not a huge fan of the keyboard response, though. A little too loose for my liking.

That's it for this week, tune in next week for some other fave five list.

xoxo,
GG

Gossip Girl introducing CARS???

Rumour has it, the new season will have several of the Upper East Siders driving themselves. New school, new skills. College has changed me. May they all have alcohol-induced driving drama. This is Gossip Girl after all.

xoxo,
GG

Update on World's first review of iPhone 3G...iPhone 3GS.

iPhone 3G was average. iPhone 3GS is slightly above average. Who does't love speed? Plus Mr Jobs wasn't there during the development of this (sort of). Therefore, no greasy finger marks.

xoxo,
GG

GOSSIP GIRL REVEALED!!!!!!!!!!

You've probably all wondered when I'm going to show up on my own show. Well, the answer is: in this season's finale, tentatively titled The Goodbye Gossip Girl. Josh has been begging me to star ever since the pilot, but I'm just not into the whole célébrité thing; I'd rather watch and laugh. But after he offered me a hot night out (he's been desperate to get into my pants) as a bribe, I agreed to go on the show, on the one condition that he would leave me alone. So, here I am, blogging from the set and totally bored. Sorry, but the storyline is so crap, he can't write for crap. Anyway, if you're tuning into the finale, be sure to keep an eye out for me. I won't be appearing per se, but if you're paying attention, you'll see me. Just look out for me:

Me says: "Hi. I'm not Kristen Bell. Gossip Girl is not Kristen Bell. Quit asking me that."

Disclaimer: The author wishes to stress that this is a fictitious account. Any relations to real people are purely coincidental.

xoxo,
GG

An ALL NEW ORIGINAL SERIES hits ABC in '09

Anyone hear about Script Frenzy? Basically: 30 Days, 100 pages of script. I'm planning to do an autobiographical TV series, which will obviously be titled Gossip Girl. Here's a synopsis of what I've got so far:
The year is 2007. A girl returns to New York, specifically the Upper East Side, after unexpectedly leaving six months earlier. She has returned, but her friends have moved on with their own lives. Will she find her feet again? Or will she fall into the trap of that sleazy half-friend half-foe sleaze of a sleaze of a son of her mother's boyfriend?
I know it sounds like ,it might not work, or that it's smarter and wittier than anything you've ever seen, but that's the whole point. I wanted to do something that was fresh and original, but at the same time, something that hit close to home for me. What better than to write about my own life, eh? I've even received offers from ABC already, who says their "looking forward to see this script make the screen". So keep an eye out, fall of 09, for Gossip Girl.

Caption: Some Upper East Siders are shocked and excited about the news. Finally, a show about their extravagant lifestyles.
xoxo,
Gossip
Girl.

Gossip Girl presents: communitychannel - UNEDITED AND UNCENSORED!

She's pretentious. There I said it. She's trying too hard to be something that she's not. And also, cut the good girl act. How long 'til she sells out? We'll just wait and see...
Disagree? I do accept comments. :)

xoxo

Disclaimer: The author wishes to stress that this is a fictitious account. Any relations to real people are purely coincidental.

2008: The Scandal

What a year it's been...
Let's see what I've achieved:
Get my hands on the iPhone 3G before anyone else?
Check.
Announce Steve Job's retirement before he did?
Check.
Bless a certain celebrities disfigured bundle of joy?
Check.
Bitch Bitch Bitch?
Check, Check and Check.
Be wonderful and fabulous?
Always my friends, always.

Happy New Year; it's going to be a big one.

xoxo,
gg.